14:00 – Movie – The Korean Matrix – Sci-fi thriller. Neojumma bends the laws of physics aboard the Seoul Subway system, as she manages to enter the train at the exact same point in both time and space as others exit.
16:00 – Healthwatch – Although kimchi cures MERS, SARS, Swine Flu, ingrown toenails and AIDS, the horrific salt content negates all of these miracles, leaving the nation back at square one.
18:00 – Evening News – Hagwon owners are outraged, as rumors abound that teachers will now have to possess some kind of TEFL credential, as opposed to the previous standard of blonde hair and big boobs.
20:00 – Stand-up Comedy – Johnny Furrerrnerr spends 90 hilarious minutes sneezing all over an appreciative crowd, building up to his big final gag… HE HAS MERS!
22:00 – Women’s Volleyball – Possibly the only reason for a foreign man in Korea to bother watching TV. Who cares that porn is blocked with this on TV?!
14:00 – Science in Focus – World renowned biologist and street food vendor Yu Bum-mi debunks the popular western myth that it takes hot water and soap to ensure good hygiene around a food cart. Watch as she sanitizes with only a bucket full of cold, but not quite potable water.
16:00 – Movie – The Great Escape! – MERS quarantine becomes too much for some, leading to a delivery bike being used in a desperate bid for freedom!
18:00 – Evening News – A lawsuit to make prostitution legal in Korea is set to leave citizens dazed and confused, as they look up at the array of ANMA signs and blacked out ‘Sports Massage’ shops and wonder how it isn’t legal already.
20:00 – Stand Up Comedy – Fart jokes told by men in sequinned dresses.
22:00 – Home Shopping Infomercial – In order to attract more customers, a truck with a loudspeaker is parked in the studio, utilizing a tried and trusted Korean sales tactic.
14:00 – Society Today – As gay pride activists are blocked by ultra-conservative Christians, there are worries that the situation will reflect badly on the Korean comedy and music industries, where teenage girls and grown men wear revealing sparkly dresses.
16:00 – Soccer Focus – Well known Korean soccer pundits give a nonchalant shrug to the shady dealings at FIFA, knowing full well that Korea wins hands down at corruption.
18:00 – Evening News – Reports are emerging of a Buddhist monk plotting to grow wings to evade MERS quarantine. The power of meditation is well documented, but still…
20:00 – Masterchef Korea – This week the contestants are given the task of curing MERS with kimchi. Why this hasn’t been thought of before, is anybody’s guess!
22:00 – Travelogue – Working holidays are gaining popularity amongst young Korean adults. However, other Koreans have been taking advantage of these youngsters, outside their home countries for the first time. Who would’ve thunk it!?
14:00 – Toilet Humor – Korean comedians consider the irony of Koreans being so terrified of MERS that they close a large chunk of public schools, whilst not bothering to wash their hands after bathrooms trips.
16:00 – Nascar Motor Racing – Seoul Special – The race comes to Korea with a twist: the cars will be replaced by seemingly much faster Kia Bongo trucks, Hyundai Starex vans, and clapped-out Daewoo Ticos.
18:00 – The Great Bake-off – As Paris Baguette opens it’s 7th store in Manhattan, contestants are faced with the task of putting sugar and corn where they shouldn’t be.
20:00 – The Motoring Show – The panel take a look at why Hyundai Motors is in a slump against foreign competitors in the domestic marketplace. It couldn’t possibly be because they price and quality-gouged locals for years whilst blocking imports, could it?
22:00 – Masterchef Korea – Korean people from across Korea are challenged to cook Korean things.
14:00 – Movie – Despicable Me – A supervillan hatches a cunning plan to omit human rights violations in a report on the matter to the U.N.
16:00 – La Fashionista – Koreans are convinced to give up smoking not by cancer or price hikes, but by bad skin.
18:00 – Gameshow – The Age is Right – Middle aged men battle it out in a contest to repel drink-driving tickets being given by young conscript traffic cops.
20:00 – Natural World – Documentary following hagwon owners in their natural habitat. Today, the crew examine the finer workings of the ‘don’t pay severance’ instinct.
22:00 – Click Online – Computer Science boffin Yoo Noh-mi explains the shocking disparity between Korea’s wonderful internet speeds and awful web design. It turns out that the uselessness of Korean websites is actually intended to cause so much frustration, that the populace will simply use the internet for gaming and piracy instead.
14:00 – Educating Busan – Peggy-Sue teacher sits alone in a freezing cold school, wondering if anyone would notice if she slipped off back home, returning to sign out at 5pm
16:00 – Travelogue – Yoo Bum-goo heads to Paris, where he finds himself disappointed at the lack of sugar in the local baguettes.
18:00 – K-Pop Star! – JYP takes no time in signing a 14 year-old girl who can sing and fart at the same time. The music mogul declares her ‘the next big part of the Korean wave.’
20:00 – The Culture Show – The finest example of modern Korean culture, the plastic chairs outside 7-11 are under threat from government philistines.
22:00 – Happy Seollal – The Korean tourist board invites you to enjoy all the best Seollal (Lunar New Year) has to offer. Congested highways, a lack of bus and train tickets, and a spam gift set.
14:00 – Educating Seoul – Billy-Bob finds himself deskwarming alone in a freezing cold school. Watch as his plans to write a novel, start an online business, and learn how to use Photoshop go down the drain, as he plays on ESL Cafe and Facebook all day.
16:00 – Magic Adjosshi – Unassuming bank clerk Chu Won-seok is given super powers after downing a bottle of soju in a magic phone booth. This week, he flies (into a rage) and shoots his enemies (with projectile vomit).
18:00 – Master Chef Korea – The judges struggle to understand the concept of ‘breakfast food,’ disqualifying two contestants in the process.
20:00 – The Office – Sitcom about a group of Chaebol employees playing around on the internet, because their boss hasn’t plucked up the courage to go home and see his wife and kids yet.
22:00 – Movie – Hollywood Action Blockbuster – Bruce Willis is in the midst of explosions and subtitles, where expletives are simply shown as the Korean word for ‘damn.’
Live in Korea? Don’t like certain sites being blocked? You need a VPN.
14:00 – La Fashionista – The Gangnam Girls try to impress each other with extremely fashionable t-shirts. Will the poncey judges prefer ‘Glacial Greed Pussy’ or ‘Too Drunk to Fuck?’
16:00 – Doraemon – Korean kids get to unwittingly love something Japanese.
18:00 – Evening News – Korean boozers are to be forever condemned to drink Cass and Hite.
20:00 – Consumer Watch – Popular faux-Aussie restaurant chain Outback is investigated for not having enough random bones and gristle in their meat products.
22:00 – Sejong Broadcasting joins AFN for late night programming – Caution, the constant patronizing safety ads may kill more brain cells than Cass and Hite combined.
14:00 – Children’s Programming – Balloon O’Clock – Children living near the inter-Korean border are delighted to be given a large number of helium balloons adorned with bits of paper. But how many can they hold on to?
16:00 – Hospital in Focus – Extremely hot, scantily-clad Korean nurses consider yellow fever.
18:00 – Party Political Broadcast – The UPP (Unified Progressive Party) – Cancelled thanks to dictators daughter.
20:00 – Evening News – The streets of Korea begin to suffer from a shortage of cigarette butts following recent price hikes, finally making Korean smokes pricier than in Thailand.
22:00 – Movie – The Interview (Dubbed by we’re not sure who…) – A rather pasty looking Kim Jong-il plots to kill Americans. May differ from non-dubbed version.
14:00 – Educating Seoul – With talk of removing native English speakers from English kindergartens, the team decides to remove all the Americans from one Gangnam kindy and replace them with the cast of Trainspotting, just to see what the kids sound like later on.
16:00 – Talking with Waygooks – Shock, horror and scandal as one European panellist admits a distaste for kimchi.
18:00 – Travelogue – Billy-Bob and Peggy-Sue embark on an epic train journey all the way across the peninsula from Pohang to Incheon. Viewers are reminded that you should not tell their boss, as they’re pulling a midnight run.
20:00 – Game Show – The Age is Right! – If you’re older, you win! Automatically.
22:00 – The Tech Show – The Korean internet is great for torrenting things, but can it be used to actually pay for something. Like with a credit card?